Beauty For Ashes

I sit here trying to figure out how to say what I want to say. I type words and hit the delete button. I watch the letters appear and disappear. Am I ok with this? Will I be ok with this tomorrow? I have so much bouncing around in my brain, so many thoughts I need to sort out. Writing has always been something I love, something I have been told I'm good at. It helps me identify, examine and release. These days, it has become therapy. Here goes...

November 8, 2009 

I found out I was pregnant with our second child. We had actually TRIED for this one. Our first child, Destiny, was a surprise...one reason why her name is Destiny :) We were finally getting on with life, buying our first house, and leaving the room that we had lived in for the past 4 years. We were ready to grow our family. It was a Sunday. I remember every detail of that night...folding laundry, Jason's smile when I told him, talking about possible names, deciding to wait until Thanksgiving to tell everyone. 

December 8, 2009 

I lost our second child. We had the mixed blessing of seeing the tiny heartbeat before it was gone. I say mixed blessing because I still am not sure if I am glad or sad about that. One day I will decide. It was the most traumatic thing I have ever experienced. I tried to be strong for those around me, but with every new day I was crying before I was awake. I had every emotion you can imagine and then some. I learned there were so many women that I know who had gone through this very thing. Some how their pain became a source of strength for me. I knew I was setting out on a long journey, but trying for another baby anytime soon was out of the question. I was too damaged. 

We closed on our first house on Christmas Eve. We moved in the week of New Years. Life went on...sort of. I felt like I was living in a bubble surrounded by people who's lives were uninterrupted and who passed me by while I stood frozen in time.

I found out I was pregnant again on another Sunday night. I would be lying if I said I was happy. I was scared to death. I cried everyday, praying that God would give me peace so that I could function. I kept reminding Him that I wasn't ready. I kept telling Him that I needed more time. I was still grieving, still hurting, still sorting through my feelings. Do I dare get excited? Do I dare let myself be happy?

It was 36 weeks of paranoia, joy, fear, and relief. Our second daughter, Emery, was born on Sunday, October 17th. When I laid eyes on her for the first time, I realized that God really did know what He was doing. With her came healing and restoration. I still think about my second child everyday. I still wonder what might have been. I still get a lump in my throat and hold back a tear when I remember. Emery's due date was November 8th. I had no idea on November 8, 2009 that November 8, 2010 would mean so many things to me.

God works in mysterious ways. I have been thankful for the privilege of being a mother. Now I have two amazing daughters who make my every breath worth breathing and every storm worth weathering. But as Thanksgiving approaches, I am finding new things to be thankful for. I am thankful that I can exchange my mourning for gladness, my fear for strength, my despair for peace.  I am thankful that I have been given beauty for ashes.

Isaiah 61:3