Just Stay

"How hard is it?!"

This is one of my favorite things to say when I'm frustrated or angry. I tend to experience a bit of road rage when the person in front of me chooses to come to a complete stop then turn or can't decide if they want to turn at all and I inevitably lay on the horn and yell, "HOW HARD IS IT?!"

 In all honesty, I probably say this at least 100 times a day. I must say it often enough because my 5 year old has now picked it up and has begun to complete the sentence. Great.

The pressure of my world seems to have gotten heavier. I long for the invisible hats on my head to dwindle and leave me with only one. I think, "Maybe just the "wife" hat or the "mother" hat or the "friend" hat today...please?" But, this is wishful thinking. So, I carry all of my hats and switch them back and forth until I crash into my bed and wait for another day. I've always carried hats, but these days, my hats seem to multiply and before I know it, I'm balancing several or all at one time. This causes my head, neck and shoulders to become very heavy. My dad once told me not to carry the weight of the world on my shoulders. His exact words were, "You're not very good at it." 

That was a long time ago because now I have become too good at it. 

I've walked into a new phase of my life. My mother was diagnosed a few years back with liver disease. There is no cure, but the doctors say she is doing good. Don't panic, she really is fine. But, it causes her to be tired and her diet is restricted. She gets up everyday and teaches school, then comes home and deals with family life. As the oldest, I get to hear about all of it before the younger ones and I feel more responsibility. I take the weight of her world on myself, too. Don't get me wrong, I am 30 years old and thankful for the life I lead. I take care of my young children, my husband, my house. I help my mom and my dad. I lead worship on Sundays. I am there for my friends. I take my grandmother on outings and support my siblings. But, I wonder why I can't be like the others...you know, the others. They are the ones who only wear 2 or 3 hats. They live in a bubble where no one else is allowed in and especially no one who brings any sort of dirt with them. They are on time to everything because they have no where else to be and they think only of what they would find pleasure in doing instead of how it will effect anyone around them. They can't handle much on their plates. In fact, their plates are more like saucers.

I can't lie...I am jealous of the others more often than I would like to admit. 

"I bet their husbands don't have to work 2 jobs because of the domino effect caused by someone else's selfishness." 

"I bet they get to work out whenever they want and go out with friends whenever they want." 

"I bet they get to go to church as a family and worship from the congregation, never once thinking about all the behind-the-scenes work that allows for them to do so."

"I bet they don't have to think about making dinner for 2 families."

"I bet their life is cake."

Wow, how embarrassing! I have just revealed the ugly thoughts that go through my head on a daily basis. Yikes...and that's not even the worst of it. I find myself wishing to run away. I think of jumping in my car and driving somewhere else where no one expects anything from me or asks me to do one more thing! It's not because I want to leave for good or become a different person. It's because I want relief from that heaviness if just for a little while. 

Then I am reminded of where my help comes from. And I remember that if I did run, I would be just like those other others. The ones who I've lost respect for because they ran. The ones who let something little turn into something big and then turned their hearts. The ones who went away and out of my life leaving an emptiness that never quite gets filled again. The ones who didn't stay. 

Then I say to myself, "How hard is it?!" If my grandfather can remain faithful to the Lord after going thru a World War, building a life from nothing and sending a son to Vietnam, so can I. If my dad can remain faithful with his "cons" side of the list outweighing the "pros" side by hundreds, so can I. If my mom can remain faithful with the doctors telling her there is no cure, so can I. If my husband can remain faithful with 2 jobs, 2 kids, and countless others depending on him, so can I. 

If they can all stay, so can I.

Psalm 26:2-4