Wish You Were Here

I never gave it a thought until I had to think about it. You were always there. I could count on your presence just like I could count on your hugs. I took it for granted until I had to concentrate on soaking up every last piano note. Fifteen years ago, I was totally freaked out by the hugging and the random "Hallelujah(s)!!!!". Come to think of it, those happened quite frequently. It eventually became expected instead of random. Now, I would give anything to hear that every Sunday. Or to walk through your door every Saturday night and struggle over what songs to put on the list. Or to sit in my parents living room and roll my eyes when you start playing the Eagle Song. Hey, we didn't do the Eagle Song when you were here! Well, add that to the list of reasons you need to come back. Yep, I have a list of reasons. No, I will not share them. Those are between God and I. 

I can't believe it had been 4+ years since you were here last. That week meant more than you will ever know. I wanted to keep you at my kitchen table forever. I could have sat in those rockers for hours, not talking, just knowing you were there. I know you don't think we need you as much as we do...but in all honesty, it's probably more than we know. Mom D has been amazing with her BFF living states away. She's a better person than I am. My BFF's have lived states away for 15 years and I'm still not okay with it. Somehow she handles it like there's nothing to it. I wish I knew her secret...

I'm the kind of person who wants all or nothing. I know exactly what I want and if I can't have exactly what I want, then I don't want anything at all. I don't want to settle for the next best thing. You would tell me to put on my "big girl panties", but the phone and the computer don't compare. In my opinion, they will never be "the next best thing" to actually having you here. Just think about it (cue the wavy dream sequence): Shae could come over whenever she wanted and I could give her loving advice on toning down the attitude. ;-) I could spend time with her and have actual meaningful conversations with her. I could listen to her and love her and show her she is full of purpose. The beach, more than a handful of restaurants, theme parks, NO ICE AND SNOW FOR MONTHS ON END. If one of us is having a poopy day, we could drop everything and make a Barrel night out of it. (I know my other 2 companions would whole-heartedly agree with that one.)

 I know, I know...all good reasons, but not unless God says so.

 I have to admit, there are only a few things I have ever questioned God about. You guys not being here... definitely one of them. Wow, I'm so rambling now. And I sound like such a whiner! But, at least I haven't shed a tear yet. I guess that's why I had to wait so long to write about this. I miss you more than these words could ever express. I will never stop nagging God to return you to us. And I hate missing out on Shae's life. She is special and I've always had a place in my heart that belongs only to her. And here come the tears. All I know is I love you and...