Remarkable Me

“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.” Matthew 11:28-30

I'm sure this blog will be one that I look back over and think, "Ugh. I so shouldn't have written that. I sound so negative. When will I learn?!" But, this is where I am today and part of me kinda hopes it will remind me later of where not to end up again.

 And maybe someone else out there feels the same way...we shall see...

Accolades do a lot for the human soul.

 They help us feel better, be encouraged and make us feel like we are worth something. 

I'm beginning to hate accolades. 

Ok, so obviously that makes me a negative person, right? I mean, c'mom! 1) I used the word hate and 2) I dislike being given an "Atta girl!" when I do something good.

Let me explain...

31 years ago I came into my parents life during a difficult time. My dad was in seminary and they had less than no money. But, they never made me feel like a burden, a hardship or like they would be better off without me. It was quite the opposite. I grew up feeling loved, valuable and special. Good for me, right? Right...mostly. I also grew up being taught that if I saw a need, I should meet it. If someone was in trouble, I should help them. If someone needed service, I should serve. If something was needing to be done, I should do it. 

I tried really hard. I never wanted to get a disappointing look or lecture. I have always hated (oops, there's that word again) feeling like I let someone down. I have always thought through every choice, every decision, every move I made until I had analyzed it to pieces. I am cautious, serious and far from spontaneous. I am boring. Period. I am responsible and reliable...and according to everyone who surrounds me, remarkable. 

Lately, I feel like handing their accolades back to them and saying, "I don't want this. Please, feel free to give it to someone else. Or, better yet, why don't you switch places with me and see how 'remarkable' you feel." I would definitely make quotation marks with my fingers as I emphasized the word "remarkable". There I go being a horrible person again...

The truth is, I get tired of carrying these "remarkable" bags. Bags? Yes, my bags. They are a lot like luggage. You see, when we were in the midst of moving from Texas to Florida 15 years ago, a man named Jack Mauldin sought me out during a ROCK Conference worship service and said these words to me, "Shelbie, God says you need to leave your baggage here. You can't take it with you to Florida. You're gonna miss all the new things He wants to give you if you don't lay them down." I didn't say a word. I smiled and turned immediately to find my mother. All I had to do was repeat those words and she knew how right they were for me. I had alot of baggage from my 1st 15 years of life and I left them behind that night. But, looking back, I now wish I could trade those bags for these new ones. These new ones all have a label, a name, a date, a heaviness that wears me down. They symbolize the agonizing moments that I still carry days, months, years later. But, I am remarkable! So, I powered on. I picked myself up, determined myself to keep going, showing myself to be courageous, strong and of course, remarkable.

 At least that's what they told me.

That moment when the dr. tells your loved one that time is ticking and they need to get them ready for reality...I hear, "I am so glad you were there. You are such an amazing child. They must be so blessed by your strength." Why didn't they say, "I'll take that from you. You shouldn't have to carry that."? That moment when you see a dream you've been chasing for years get so close you can almost touch it and then life interrupts and says, "Nope. Sorry. Not today. Try again later." I hear, "You will have plenty of time to live your life after you fulfill your responsibilities. You are such an awesome young woman. I admire your patience." Why not say, "I'll do what I can to help you realize your dream. How can I help?"

Or that moment when someone you treasure becomes a different person and tells you that you aren't important to them anymore. I hear, "Oh, don't give it a second thought. You have lots of people who think you are wonderful. It's their loss." I was hoping for, "I don't understand why people do what they do. One day they will realize how hurtful this was, but until then, I will sit beside you and be your friend." Or that moment when your whole world stops and you realize you will never see them grow or hear their name. You have to say goodbye before you got to say hello. I hear, "The human body is a glorious creation and isn't it amazing how it just knows when something isn't right. Don't be sad. You will have many more babies." 

A silent hug would have sufficed.

And that is why I say, I don't want accolades. I want a burden-bearer. 

So, here I sit. I remain a responsible person who is oh so admired by oh so many. Please note the sarcasm. Here I go being honest: I don't feel awesome or amazing or wonderful. I beat myself up for things I should have done better or for not being good enough. I take all of their bags too. Maybe that's why they think I'm so remarkable...because I make them feel lighter while I bend under the weight. Such a choice...do I keep them from feeling pain while I add to mine or do I drop all of this luggage and breathe...?

I think I'll choose breathing. I never realized how blind I've been to my own "effort". I put all of this effort into being "remarkable" when all I have to do is lay it down. God needs me to be honest and satisfied with handing it over. All of it. 

He is and always will be my burden-bearer. 

 So, here I go. 

Ok, God, pull up your luggage cart right here where I sit and load it for me. Pry it from my fingers and lift it from my shoulders. I am only good because of your goodness and I only find rest in your peace. Hand it over! 

I'm ready to stand up straight. I'm ready to get out of my own way. I'm ready to breathe.