Temporary Insanity

"When a train goes through a tunnel and it gets dark, 
you don't throw away the ticket and jump off. 

You sit still and trust the engineer."

~Corrie Ten Boom

I can't tell you how many times I have felt like "jumping off" this year. To say it's been a little crazy would be an understatement. We were discussing what kind of year we all had this morning in church and as everyone shared, I began to look back. I have tried my best to NOT look back so that I could move forward...but today, I let myself remember. 

We closed on our first home Christmas Eve of last year. Awesome Christmas present, right? Right. But for me, it was bittersweet. I had dreamed of that day for years and when it finally arrived I was just recovering from the miscarriage and could have honestly cared less. Sad, I know. But, I'm being honest. We began working on the house immediately and could not have done it without the hard work of some very good friends. We moved in the first of the year and it was like a new life had begun. Finally, we had closets and more than one room. The downside was that we had no kitchen. The kitchen had not been touched since the house was built (1959) and I refused to do any sort of domestic duties in that so-called kitchen until it was fixed. Bad. Very bad. What should have been a 1 month job, turned into a 5 month job. And if you have ever remodeled anything in your home, you understand how stressful the whole thing can be. Times that by a million. Moving on...

February, I found out I was pregnant with Emery. Good. Very good. But, yet again, a little bittersweet for me considering the previous pregnancy. During this time, my husband began hearing rumblings around his work place. He teaches at a christian school and there had been rumors concerning its stability. Turns out, the rumors were true. The church the school was joined with voted to bring in a charter school and do away with the christian school. As you can imagine, this brought on a whole new kind of stress for all involved. We now had a mortgage, a new baby on the way and maybe a job? We went for months not knowing what was going to happen. He tried his best to look for a new job, a backup, a plan B...but every door was closed. The summer came and the school bought new facilities. Jason stayed on to "start over". He took a pay cut and has endured more than his share of "character building" experiences throughout the process. Oh my, oh my, the stories I could tell you. But, we have to move along...

During our summer of chaos, Destiny got very sick. She complained of her side hurting, had a fever and became very lethargic. Obviously, as a mother, I became extremely worried. My experience has led me to believe that children ALWAYS get ill on a Friday evening, therefore, going to the doctor isn't possible until Monday. We took her to her to a walk-in clinic and they diagnosed her with a mild infection, prescribed antibiotics and rest, and sent us on our way. On Sunday, she was showing no signs of improvement and by Monday we were in our pediatricians office with a very sick child. It literally took weeks, 5 doctor visits and 1 ER trip for us to find out that she had a kidney infection. Thankfully, we got the right medicine and she made a full recovery. But, the medical bills began rolling in and with me being prego, we knew this was only the beginning. Ah, more stress. One day my hubby's car was hit while parked in front of my parents house. They don't live on a busy street and he was no where near a driveway. But, God works in mysterious ways and the money we got for that dent in the side of the car paid for a huge doctor bill that was due the same week. A miracle. Another lesson on trusting God. When will I learn?

Fall came and Destiny started school. She was nervous, but she immediately loved every second of it! I cried for the first week. I'll admit it. She was growing up and no longer a baby. I tried to concentrate on getting ready for the new baby that would be arriving in a few months and began enjoying the quiet house. After a month or so, Des would make little comments about a kid in her class who wasn't very nice to her. I tried to reassure her that sometimes kids are just playing around and blah, blah, blah. Eventually, she started having stomach issues and major breakdowns out of nowhere. She wouldn't leave my side and cried every night about the next day. We had parent/teacher conferences, talks with the principal, discussions with the dean. Come to find out, this child didn't just pick on my kid, he picked on all the kids. He was finally removed from the class, but the damage had already been done. We are working everyday at not being afraid. I can see improvement, but she still won't even speak his name. "Our fight isn't with flesh and blood..."a hard thing to remember when your little girl is hurting.
Another lesson for Mommy.

There are other events I could recount to you, other stories that could testify to my lack of faith and God's constant faithfulness. This year, more than ever, I have learned that life is all about seasons and there are no guarantees. I have learned that I can't fix anything, especially this giant fur ball that sometimes rears its ugly head in my soul. Giant fur ball? Ah, the giant fur ball. It's that mass of emotions and yucky stuff that gets bigger with every storm that blows our way. Yes, there are days that I choke on it and there are days that I hold onto it because I fear letting it go would lead to feeling something unknown. I'm working on it.

Even though the year was filled with lots of unpleasantness, it also held a few bright spots: a home of our own, a new daughter, a tighter marriage, a real understanding of trust and a stronger heart. These are things I cherish and wouldn't trade for anything...not even a year filled with peace, sunshine and lots of money :) My parents have always taught me that everything is temporary, so I must remind myself daily that this too shall pass. God has promised to make all things new and beautiful in time.
All the craziness is just temporary insanity.

Ecclesiastes 3:10-12