You've Done Good, Kid

I'm writing this for you and maybe a little bit for me, too. Getting all these jumbled up thoughts in front of me makes it a tad easier to sort through the feelings. My first thought is of you and your burden...your choice...your sadness and your fear. I guess we should have known that nothing about this was going to be easy. One bright spot is that she has not had to experience what the rest of us have. She hasn't known the uncertainty or the dread. She has missed the frustration and the bleakness. Let's face it, this is probably the most rest she has had in decades. ;-) 

My next thought is of the future. I question so much about this entire situation, but mostly I wonder how some will make it through. For years it has been one speed bump after another, leaving pieces of the whole machine dangling and broken. Being in the driver's seat was a daily battle. I've known a lot of resilient people. By far, she has to be the MOST resilient person I've ever known. Funny how she is always the first one to offer help when anyone gets knocked down and dazed by this crazy life. It's like she stands on the shore, bracing for the next storm of chaos, and places her only umbrella over your head...or my head...anyone else's head. For someone who considers themselves so unworthy, she sure knows how to make others feel worthwhile.

As a daughter, I know the excruciating helplessness you feel. Crying out to God for answers and help...wishing you would wake up from the nightmare and hear her voice on the other end of the phone. Even though I don't have any of the answers, there are some things I am absolutely sure of.

I am sure of her heart. As worn down as life has been all these years, the core of her heart has never changed. As ragged as she may seem on any given day, the essence of her heart remains the same. As hard as she tries to protect it-no matter how many times she's had to glue it back together-her heart for you and them and us never fails...it is the perfect picture of goodness and faithfulness and unconditional love.

I am sure of her reward. My goodness, can we even imagine how great that crown of her's is or how sparkling that mansion will be? Isn't it funny how the Bible doesn't tell us that Jesus will say, "Well done, good and faithful preacher" or "Well done, good and faithful missionary"...servant...He will say, "Well done, good and faithful servant". Serving others despite the pain they cause. Serving others despite the lack. Serving others despite the shame of the past or the insecurity of the future. Whew...such a servant she is.

I am sure of the blessing that her life is to every soul she has ever come in contact with. Knowing what I know about how she grew up, it is amazing that she was able to bless you in the ways that she did. I don't mean with material things. I mean with the way she made you feel special and valuable. Sure, you've had your share of strife and there were times you two probably didn't see eye to eye. But, it is extremely hard to bless others-make others feel valuable and special- when you never received that yourself. Deut. 23:5 says, "...the Lord your God...turned the curse into a blessing for you, because the Lord your God loves you". Her life is a blessing because of the Lord. He loves her even more than we do! In the Bible, "curse" literally means "to dam up the stream". Her stream was blocked in so many ways, yet she chose to let your stream and the everyone else's stream flow freely. 

I am sure of the blessing you are to her. I know you bombard Heaven with prayers for her miracle. But, please don't ever forget, that YOU are her miracle. If she had any idea what these last few weeks have been like for you...of everything you have carried...of everything you have wrestled with and wrestled against...of your faith...I'm pretty sure she wouldn't take credit for any of it. And I'm pretty sure you would give all the credit to her. 

I saw her the other night. She was in my dreams for only a few seconds. We were surrounded by green trees and green grass and everything was alive. She stood in front of me in a white dress with her hair and makeup all done up. She was walking without pain and she was happy with her appearance. She was rested and peaceful and care-free. There weren't many words spoken, but I remember waking up and thinking how nice it was to see her. She was the best version of herself in that dream. I don't know what it means, but I know that I'm selfish and want to keep her here. She has loved and prayed and fought for so many for so long. It is an honor to do the same for her. 

I'm sure it's been a long time since anyone has praised you. Usually when we are walking through the valley of the shadow of death, no one has anything uplifting to offer. So, here you go: when you are trying to sleep and your brain won't shut off, you need to know that you have done good. When they are chipping away at your sanity and you want to give up, remember that you have done good. In the midst of the deluge, you can be confident that all the good she put into you has paid off. I have no magic words or ways to relieve the pressing ache, but I will forever be grateful for the daughter, sister, aunt, and friend you are. You've done good, kid. You've done real good. Keep knocking, keep asking, keep believing, and keep trusting. Regardless of how this turns out, I have absolute assurance that Jesus and your momma are so proud of you. 

"But you, Lord, do not be far from me. You are my strength; come quickly to help me." Psalm 22:19