Words From Days Gone By

Last night, in-between asleep and awake, I remembered my old blog posts from my Myspace account. I had not been on Myspace in over a year and a half and I wondered if they were even still there. They were. I decided to retrieve them and share some of my favorites. They are quite a few, so proceed with caution. :) 

My Brother's Keeper originally posted on 4/11/07 

Yep, that's me! I have always been, and by all present accounts, 
will always be my brother's keeper. 
You have to understand something about my brother, Josh. He is one-of-a-kind...from his sense of humor to the amazing ability he has to disregard all sanity at a moment's notice.
I love my brother beyond words. I remember the day he came home from the hospital, I slapped his face. For those of you who know my brother, you know he probably deserved it:) I remember trying to teach him to say "Shelbie" and he just couldn't get it...so, I finally gave up and said, "Just call me Sissy" We have never called each other by our real names: it's always been "Brother" and "Sis"...and I think it's perfect.
I also remember, when my brother was around 3-4 years old, my mom would let him play outside by himself. She would go about her business; laundry, cooking dinner. But, I would sit in front of the window and watch him until he came back in to the house. I was so afraid someone would kidnap him or he would get hurt somehow, that I wouldn't leave that spot in front of the window...guess that's what being a big sister is all about.
My brother has a very soft heart, even though he would never admit it. He also has alot of pride...which has gotten him in a little trouble on more than one occasion. But, as hard as he has tried to push away...to run away...to break away...God never let him go. We have had our moments where we exchanged not-so-nice words...we have had our moments where we would sit on the driveway and talk for hours...and we have had our moments where we would laugh hysterically with each other...usually over our "circus on acid" family.
I don't know what I would do without him in my life...he always keeps me on my toes:)
So, to my Brother:
Thanks for standing at my right hand on Sunday...it was a dream come true. Thanks for not killing yourself or anyone else ("wild animal!") and for always being brutally honest:) You know I will always be keeping watch out the window...whether it's making sure you don't get hurt or waiting for you to return. 
I'm always here. I love you.
                                                                                 Sis~

To My Hubby originally posted on 8/21/07 

August 1, 2000...that was our "pretend" anniversary. We used to joke about being married. I knew from the moment I saw you at Rio Bravo that your blue eyes would be my future. You never said a word either way. You've always been cool like that. Remember the night we stood under our tree and you paced back and forth in the road. You finally said, "Let's not play dumb any longer! We both know what's going on here! It's the "M" word!! MARRIAGE!!" That was classic.

How bout our first real date...we drove all the way to Aunt Catfish's and back listening to the radio...you never said a word. We walked on the beach afterwards...that was the first time we held hands.

Then there was our first Valentine's day...we went back to Aunt Catfish's and it was packed so we drove home, went through the Steak n' Shake drive thru, then sat on the floor watching Letterman before you had to be home at midnight.

Almost everything about our relationship has been "hurry up and wait". Not much has been easy. Whether it's 2 and a half years of dating, trying to get through college with no money, working constantly, unexpected babies, unexpected bills, countless responsibilities, others expectations, our own dreams we hope to see realized...but, everyday, I can't wait for you to come home and everyday I thank God that He orders every step of our relationship. I know our responsibilities and our circumstances can get us down. I know I need to work on my "positivity"...I'm getting there.  But, I wouldn't want to do this with anyone else.

Thank you for being a man of character and integrity. I knew you were the one from the moment I laid eyes on  you, but I also knew you were the one when I felt unworthy of you. You make me want to be a better person and a better Christian. You constantly show Christ to everyone you cross paths with. I want to be like you. No, you're not perfect, but you are perfect for me.

Thanks for spending the last 7 years with me. I love you. Jeremiah 29:11~

One Year Later originally posted on 11/5/07

September 5, 2006: I walked into the kitchen holding my 8 month old daughter, ready to feed her some yummy baby food for breakfast. Dad was on the computer. He turned and said, "Did J tell you?" I said, "Tell me what?" He said, "GrandRock passed away this morning."

Dad called me 2 days earlier. I was leaving the Dr.'s office after one of Desi's appointments. He said, " GrandRock isn't doing very good. He's running fever and they don't know why. He won't wake up." I drove straight to Westminster Towers. I met Grandma and Dad in the parking garage. We walked into your room and you were sitting up yelling at the nurses. I took pictures of that day...Desi on the bed with you, Dad trying to get you to have a conversation, Grandma trying to get you to eat. That was the last time you were awake. That was the last time I heard you speak...the last time I kissed your head and said, "Love you GrandRock!" You said, "Love you too, Angel."

I didn't want to see you at the viewing. I didn't want that to be my last memory of you. Your funeral was packed! So many people filled your church. I tried to get through my hymn for you...I did a pretty good job. I pictured you sitting in the living room on Wednesday nights, after home group, listening to Steve (Elliot) play Softly and Tenderly for you. You would cry.

So, here we are, a year later. I took Grandma to the cemetary today. Destiny helped her water your plants. They are red. You would like them. Grandma misses you. You will always be her sweetheart.

When I look back over the times we spent together, I remember the insanity and the bad words. I remember how badly you treated us at times and how we thought we would feel relief when you were gone. Of course, I remember the leaves...the glass bottle obsession...the Lincoln's...the B & B...the flashlights...the paper piles. I think about the beach and how you wouldn't go outside until sunset. You came to Waco one year for Christmas. Brother and I had to jump on the bed to wake you up so we could open our presents. You burned a hole in the Party Pickle's driver seat by sneaking your cigarettes and smoking when you went to fill it up with gas. You wore flip-flops in the shower. You tried to kill roaches with fly swaters. You always talked with the phone on speaker. You asked everyone if they went to Boone High School. We came for vacation one year. I spent the first few hours rolling on the floor in laughter. You always made me laugh til I cried.

I miss you. I never thought I would feel like that. Maybe it's beacause I'm the only grand child who knew you before...before the OCD and the Alziehmer's. I wish my kids would have gotten the chance to experience Rocky. Everyone who ever met you has never forgotten you. We still run into people who knew Rocky. I think you were supposed to be an evangelist. You had the heart for people and when you were passionate about something, you made it happen. Guess that's where dad gets it.

Enjoy playing the drums up there...I guess gold paper clips and gold candy don't seem so amazing now that you walk on gold everyday. I bet everyone knows your jokes by now. Where do you get chocolate fish?

I love you. Happy Graduation Day~

You Can originally posted on 10/15/07

You were a baby no one knew what to do with. You were a baby who was so special to God that He sent one of His own to look after you the day you were born. How many people can say they were named after their own personal angel? I will not address you by name because I know you will probably freak. But, by now you have figured out I am talking about you. Why post a blog dedicated to you? Cause I can. 

You have seen so much...maybe too much. You have experienced numerous things in a very short amount of time. Your life began clouded in mystery but God made sure it didn't stay that way. He gave you parents who taught you about Him. They reminded you daily that you were a gift...a gift full of purpose.

Then came the others...the ones who, in your eyes, invaded. The ones who took time, energy, space, money, food, your parents...the ones who you tried to love. Some of them, you truly did love. You even trusted and opened your heart. But, they all went away in some form or fashion. Some were moved on...some found love elsewhere...and some just walked away leaving a trail of bitterness and resentment.

You don't tell me, but you don't have to. I can see it. I see you screaming inside. I see you crying at night. I see you wanting to let go, but afraid to try again. I see you being torn on a daily basis: do the right thing or do the wrong thing? Give up? Give in? Run away? Stand and fight? When does it get easier? How will I know if it's God or if it's me?

I am writing this for 2 reasons:

1.) I love you

2.) So you will know YOU CAN! 

YOU CAN get rid of the things you don't want anymore. YOU CAN love and trust again. YOU CAN forgive. YOU CAN wake up everyday and make the choice to depend fully on God. YOU CAN believe for Him to provide and make a way. YOU CAN help others. YOU CAN offer yourself as an instrument and allow God to use you in countless lives. YOU CAN hear Him. YOU CAN feel Him. YOU CAN know the plan He has for your life without it being a huge question mark. YOU CAN dance. YOU CAN sing. YOU CAN DO ALL THINGS THROUGH JESUS CHRIST WHO GIVES YOU STRENGTH!! Not your strength - His strength. Not your words - His words. Not your way - His way.It's not you - it's Him in you that allows you to accomplish, to tear down, to break away, to become, to be who He created you to be. And He made sure you didn't fall through the cracks like you could have...like so many who come into the world the way you did. He made sure you were placed in love and truth. He has already done so much for you. Why doubt the One who loves you like no other? 

There are other things you can do. You can run away...you can close up and withdraw...you can smile when you really want to cry. You can hide things...you can hope people just leave you alone and stop telling you what an awesome calling you have on your life. But, no matter what you decide to do, I will still love you. I will still be here cheering you on...praying, hoping...wishing you could see what I see. And, of course, telling you YOU CAN.

Be encouraged. You are loved.

"The one who calls you is faithful and He will do it."

1 Thessalonians 5:24

These Are a Few of Her Favorite Things originally posted on 12/16/07

I have been thinking about doing this for awhile. My daughter is 23 months old (officially today), so I decided I would give all of you a little glimpse into her life right now.

We took her to Disney World for the first time last month and she was in awe. I couldn't keep my eyes off of her as she took it all in. I was almost brought to tears that day. She will be 2 in another month...I look at her and realize she is an unbelievable blessing, again and again. Was I ever not a mom? How did I get along without her for so long? The parent/child thing is such a mystery to me...the love, the fear, the joy, the frustration, the happiness and the uncertainty all rolled into one. My child is one-of-a-kind. She is her own person and anyone who has ever met her will agree: she is awesome. I can't wait to see what God has planned for her...how she handles life and being in this family (ha,ha). How did I get off on this? I guess I have more of my dad in me than I like to admit. Anyway, here are some of  Destiny's favorite things as of today...can't wait to see what this list will be like in the years to come. Enjoy!

DESI'S FAVORITE THINGS as of 12/16/07

(Quotation marks mean Desi Language )

Fav. Food: anything with cheese, Chick-Fil-A nuggets and fries, raisins, Wheat Thins, and "Sishies" (Goldfish crackers).

Fav. Drink: "coc-o-lat" milk

Fav. Movie: "Relly" (Cinderella) and "PeePan" (Peter Pan)

Fav. TV Show: "Bops" (The DoodleBops) and "Tan" (Hannah MonTANa)

Fav. Song: Sweet Child of Mine (Guns N' Roses), MMBop (Hanson) and anything by Justin Timberlake. How proud am I?

Fav. Hobby: Dressing up in every piece of clothing she can find and modeling, playing "rock" (Guitar Hero), not sleeping, and rearranging things.

Fav. Word: "Mommy" and "NOOOOO!!!"...naturally. 

Fav. Color: "Pupel" and "Bue" (purple and blue)

Fav. Article of Clothing: shoes! (Least Fav. Article of Clothing: socks!)

Fav. Memory (so far): Going to Disney World for the first time and seeing "Relly Cackle" (Cinderella's Castle).

Misc. Favs: Going to Gigi's house in Tennessee, her cousin Ellie, playing outside, animals, anything with water, making messes for Mommy to clean up, her Daddy, going out to eat, having her picture taken and then looking at it to make sure it looks o.k. (seriously), eating breakfast with Nannie, waiting for Mom to come home from work, going to church, people in general, and laughing.

~She is my heart~

Summer/1983 originally posted on 2/23/08

    He was on his way to Oklahoma with a group of teenagers.  He left his wife at home with their 3 year old daughter and newborn son. He knew the week ahead would be tiring, but he was ready. He had been the assistant youth pastor for only a little while and he was so excited to see what God was going to do in each of these kids lives.

    The "camp" was just that - a camp. All of the youth groups who had gathered here would come together and worship under an outside pavilion in the evenings. Someone played an acoustic guitar to lead them in worship. They slept in cabins. They ate at picnic tables. And teenagers made eternal desicions in that place. They made life-long friendships. They didn't want the week to end. The young, assistant youth pastor was given a vision. His faith shot through the roof.

It was so new then...

Over the years, that vision developed into an annual conference made up of youth groups from across the great state of Texas. At one time, there were 900 young people attending "Camp Dallas". Can you imagine the sound of their voices praising Him? Can you see the ones who were on their knees, the ones who were being delivered, the ones who were being renewed...the ones who never wanted it to end? I wish I could have.

I was 10 years old when my parents finally took me with them to Austin College in Sherman, Texas. What do I remember? Hmm...I remember Terri Lynn Weaver was the "special guest". She let me go on stage and sing with her. The lights were really bright and I was wearing Keds. I remember how bad it smelled outside. I remember there were glow-in-the-dark stickers on the ceiling of the room I slept in. I remember my dad and some of the other youth pastors doing the New Kids on The Block song, "Hanging Tough" as entertainment. And I remember the overwhelming feeling I got on the last night...I think that was the first time I prayed like someone's life depended on it.

I should have known then...

I never missed a year after that. I couldn't! It was in me. There was so much anticipation, so much excitement about what God had for me year after year.

I'm 27 years old and I still attend ROCK Conference. I'm on the other side now...I'm a youth pastor, a leader, a minister. I still have anticipation and excitement every year. This summer it will be 25 years since that young, assistant youth pastor took that first leap of faith. Even if he wasn't my dad, I would still be typing these words.

This year we are taking another step of faith and moving ROCK Conference to Florida. Part of me was sad...going to Texas every year was fun and it was a sort of "homecoming" for me. But, being in Florida, right on the beach will be amazing! God will still move and teenagers will once again experience an outpouring of His spirit. I know the thought of traveling such a distance might be overwhelming. But, we've done it every summer for the last 12 years, so it can be done. Our group will still have to travel a good 8 hours. It will take a little extra effort...fundraisers, car washes, asking for help, planning and more planning. But, I believe that no matter the cost or the miles, God has a divine appointment for those who say yes.

I have been inspired to develop a new department of ROCK Youth Ministries...don't worry, Dad is o.k. with it.  

It will be called "ROCK Youth Ministries Alumni". If you are reading this and you have been touched along the way by ROCK Conference and ROCK Youth Ministries, please let us know. Send your address in a message on the ROCK Youth Ministries Myspace page or on mine. We have been through many changes over the years, but I am determined, along with many others to keep this legacy going.

Luke 17:11 - Jesus heals 10 men with leprosy. Only 1 came back to say thank you. Will you be the one?

The 4 B's originally posted on 3/14/08

Please bear with me as I type along...I have a feeling this could turn into a sermon of sorts. Oh how proud my Dad would be if it did:)

In the past 2 weeks, I have experienced 3 "B" words. The combination lead me to the 4th. Kinda confusing with all the numbers, I know. But, I have always tried to take notice of the little things in life. So, I thought I would share:)

The First B: BABIES

 One friend found out she is with child. Happiness...overwhelming happiness. The fulfilment of a desire and the beginning of a new chapter. So much excitement. Alot of squelling and hand clapping.  "Yay" is the most prominent word in our conversations. As it should be.

The Second B: BIRTHDAYS

One friend celebrated a milestone birthday. She received it with apprehension, like she does with most everything she is handed (please excuse the sarcasm), but was looking forward to what this new age would bring. She was surrounded by friends, family and chocolate. Who could ask for anything more?

The Third B: BOOBS

Yep, you read right. I typed the word BOOBS in all caps and it will forever be looked at by all who venture to my page. Please don’t report me to the MySpace Indecency Committee...I promise, there is a reason for it.

* A little side note: I was riding in the car with my grandmother the other day. We came upon a bumper sticker that said ,"Save the Ta-Ta’s!". Those of you who know my grandma probably won’t be surprised to learn that she was offended. I thought it was awesome. *

Moving on...

One friend found a lump. It happened...that dreaded thing that no woman ever wants to discover. She got scared. She got nervous. She did what anybody would: she started questioning her own mortality. So young...so much more living left to do. I did my best to encourage her and let her feel whatever she was feeling. When the report came, it was good news. Once again, "yay" became the word for the day.

The Fourth B: BLESSINGS

How could babies, birthdays and (I’m going to type it again-get ready) boobs ever be revelations? People deal with these things everyday. But, for me, it was all a culmination of one final B word: blessings. All 3 of these friends are valuable, immeasurable blessings in my life. Their trials and triumphs effect my life, too. I wouldn’t have it any other way. And even though we have to go through happy things and sad things...hard things and easy things...we have each other...and our God. My dad always taught me that God’s love is unconditional, but that His blessings are very conditional.

Numerous plaques, journal covers, quilts and Hallmark cards have "Count Your Blessings" imprinted on them. I’ve never done this. But, I think I’m going to start. It will probably take more than 2 weeks, but I’m o.k. with that:)

Oh Me of Little Faith originally posted on 3/27/08

Tired. So tired.

Burnt out. Fried. Worn out. Spinning my wheels.

How did I get here? How did I let myself get this way?

Some example I am, huh? Nice reflection of my Heavenly Father: a down-cast soul who wishes she could see the light at the end of the tunnel. That’s me. That’s who I am these days. Nothing but a tired soul.

I was reminded of Your words today. I was outside with my daughter. She was playing in that carefree way children do...I was watching her and wishing I could be so carefree. And then I heard a bird singing. This is nothing new. I hear them all the time. But, for some reason, I really heard this one today. I looked up to see a bright red cardinal hanging out on an electrical wire. He was just singing away...as carefree as my child running in the grass. Didn’t You say not to worry? Didn’t You say that I am much more valuable than the birds of the air who You take care of everyday? Yes, You did. I remember now. You said, "Therefore, do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself.

 Each day has enough trouble of its own."

Thanks for sending the cardinal to remind me.

But, wait! What about this tiredness? What about this sadness? Oh yeah. Sorry. I forgot. "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest." What about these responsibilities? What about all of these people who are depending on me? What about these burdens? I am worn down with these things...even staying true to You is an effort.

 "Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart,

 and you will find rest for your souls."

That’s right. Now I remember. You didn’t promise a luxurious, easy life. You still require me to work hard. But, at least it’s a shared yoke. 

At least the weight falls on bigger shoulders than mine.

Oh, how easy it is to forget your promises. How easy it is to dwell on the bad. How dare I complain and fret about this life. You have it all under control.

 And I have alot of growing to do...oh me of little faith.

WARNING: Breakable originally posted on 10/18/08

There once was a girl. We'll call her "L". She had a smile that would light up a room and a laugh that would make everything better. Her friends adored her and her parents cherished her. "L" loved animals and she wanted to take care of them one day. She loved the beach and wanted to get married there someday. Her favorite color was blue and her hair was always driving her crazy. "L" was all about having fun. She loved cranking up the music in her car, watcing movies, reading books and eating ice cream.

But, "L" was not always what she seemed. Situations and circumstances occured to make her question God, life and pretty much everything around her. She tried to remain that girl, but she began searching...looking for someone or something to be what she needed. A reliable love. An honesty. A newness. An escape.

She found it...or so she thought. She gave her heart away. She made choices and decisions that would complicate the rest of her life. Soon, she became responsible for a new life and she would fully realize what she had denied all along: doing things on her own wasn't going to cut it anymore. Living by her own rules wasn't going to work anymore. Giving excuses and blaming others was no longer acceptable. It was time to mend.

Mend: to improve; repair; heal.

Being a preacher's kid for my entire life, I can tell you from experience, it sucks. You get to watch your parents go through things that are unfair and sometimes, unbelievable. You get to live in a fish bowl. People hold you to a higher standard than most. And if you dare rebel against those standards, you are labeled as "one of those wild preacher kids". But being a preacher's kid also gives you a ton of insight into heartbreak. In 28 years, a great amount of heartache has come to my family, my friends, my church...even my own heart has felt the sting more times than I would like to remember. Heartbreak gives you a choice: be a victim and wallow in the broken pieces OR hand those broken pieces to the ultimate Healer. From my observation, the majority of people pick the first option.

 I understand that things happen beyond our control and it's natural to react. I understand that we are all in need of love and acceptance. But, if there is anything I would tell my baby girl, my future kids, my baby niece and my future niece's and nephews, it's this:guard your heart. It is breakable. It is not a toy or a commodity. It is precious and deserves nothing less than the best. Make choices that won't disrupt your future. Make decisions knowing your life depends on it. Remember that you not only effect yourself, but everyone around you. And if there does come a time when you are left holding those jagged pieces of your beautiful heart, let Him mend it. Don't try to do it on your own.

He is a Father to the fatherless (Psalm 68:5).

He will comfort you (Isaiah 49:13).

He will be your strength and your joy (Nehemiah 8:10).

BUT, only if you let Him.

There will always be heartbreak in this life. There will always be days when it seems easier to give in than to stay strong. There will always be circumstances beyond our control. There will always be a justification.

I've already told you that "L" gave her heart away. She allowed it to be used, abused, stomped on, thrown away. It took her awhile, but she finally realized it was o.k. to take it back. Today, she is trying to become what she knew she always should have been: guarded, but not hard. Her God will repair all that she has torn apart. He will give her heart a new beginning. And one day, she will be grateful for all that has been left behind and all that goes before her. Only His love is perfect.

So, please learn from "L". I know she would tell you the same thing. And if your are suffering from a broken heart, remember, He will give you the best even if you thought you knew what was better for you.

Broken and Beautiful originally posted on 4/30/09

Desi walked into the kitchen last week with a dead flower in her hand. She was crying uncontrollably because the stem was broken. It was a purple wildflower and she had been carrying it around for days. I asked her what was wrong and she held the flower up to me, still sobbing. I tried my best to comfort her, but nothing was working. Finally, her daddy walked over and told her he would fix it. I went back to doing whatever it was I was doing and didn't think much about it...
until today.
I don't need to remind you about my history...being a preacher's kid and witnessing plenty of heartache firsthand. But, the last few weeks, I have witnessed something heart-wrenching and beautiful all at the same time...something I have been trying to put into perspective and haven't been able to...
until today.
Alot of the people in my life have been experiencing pain. They are all dealing with consequences and/or circumstances of their own making. They are dealing with confusion, frustration, lonliness, anger, unforgiveness, unresolved issues...desperation. I try my best to encourage them. I try my best to pray for them daily. I try my best to be their listening ear, shoulder to cry on, friend through thick and thin. I try my best. But, most of the time, I feel like I fall short. I don't know what to say except "I love you no matter what". I find myself fighting my own pain where they are concerned.

"Why don't they listen?"
 "Why can't they see?"
 "How do I get through to them?"

And now I am reminded of Desi's flower...broken, but still beautiful.
Brokeness is necessary. Absolutely necessary. It's the final step before God can take control. Real brokeness brings real healing. It brings true surrender.
"The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit." (Psalm 34:18)
King David. Ah, King David...one of the most amazing men in history. How I long to be like him. His heart yearned for the presence of the Lord. He sang songs to his God and all the nations knew there was none like his God. But, he did not always obey. He did not always listen. He did what was right in his own eyes sometimes. And then, he became broken. He cried out for God to restore him.
"My sacrifices...are a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart, O God you will not despise." (Psalm 51:17)

Look around you, look at the people in your life. Find the ones that obey and the ones that don't. Watch the ones that listen and the ones who ignore.
Are they all not enough to convince you?
So, to all my friends: God loves your broken heart. He loves your broken life. He will not turn you away. Please...stop turning away from Him.
Like Desi's daddy "fixed" her flower, so will your Father fix all you lay before Him. 

It's His specialty.